Some days we wish time away so that the day will end quickly. We want to forget these days and all that happens during them. This is often easier said than done. More often than not we find ourselves replaying the events of such days as though they are a movie to be watched many times over. These days are usually the product of things that are beyond our control yet our responses are not.
Today was one of those days for me.
I woke in the wee hours of the morning with a headache and a sore throat. Actually it felt like I had a golf ball stuck in my throat. Despite taking painkillers I was feeling worse with each passing hour.
“Here we go again,” I thought. “Will I never learn?”
Every year I manage to gradually run myself into the ground so that when this time of year arrives I have no resistance left to deal to anything.
Despite sleeping most of the day I didn’t feel any better. I hate to admit it but I was feeling sorry for myself as I lay there.
It wasn’t until the phone rang late in the afternoon that I realised my problems were insignificant in the bigger scheme of things.
I heard the words spoken, “Marica, I’ve got cancer” and a familiar panic surged through my being.
“No, this can’t be happening,” I was silently screaming. Not again. First my son and now my sister.
On the other end of the phone my sister Diana was crying so much I couldn’t make out what she was saying apart from those dreaded words, “I have cancer”. I repeated them over and over silently. I remembered doing the same thing when I was told my son had leukaemia.
Why do days like today have to happen? There’s no logical reason, they just do. Every day someone hears bad news. Every day people fight to stay alive whilst elsewhere people kill in the name of some war or other.
Today I felt rusty, cracked and in desperate need of repair. I really don’t know which way to turn either – nothing is more important than being there for the people you love and yet there are all those other competing demands pulling at us and requiring our attention. Christmas is in a few days and I still have heaps to do to get ready. I’m meant to be at work sorting things out before everyone goes on holiday. I have a throat infection. I am completely exhausted. Yet no matter how broken I feel, like that wall, I am still here. I am still standing. I will heal as long as I give myself the respect I deserve. I’m no good to anyone if I don’t look after myself. Why is this so hard to do?
I need to summon all my energy to get well so I can be there for my sister. She is what matters now. Oh how I wished I could have just got on a plane and gone to be with her.
Thank goodness days like today don’t happen too often. My heart is heavy yet it is also bursting with love for the gifts that are still there even when life sucks. In many respects it was good that I was home sick in bed today so I could talk to my sister when she needed me. I was able to be fully present without other people listening in on our conversation. I was able to phone her back and talk more. I was able to be there and do whatever she needed from me. Some gifts are priceless.
Manifesto
39. Every day trust that there is a bigger picture. You are a part of it even if you may not know what it is.
48. Every day there are things you can’t change. You can change the way you think about them and deal with them.
50. Every day has an ending.
![[Facebook]](http://freshnewday.net/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/facebook.png)
![[Twitter]](http://freshnewday.net/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/twitter.png)
![[Email]](http://freshnewday.net/wp-content/plugins/bookmarkify/email.png)
3 Comments
My heart goes out to you, get better and stay strong! You gave your sister the best gift ever!!
Big loves and hugs for your sister all the way from Texas!
Thank you Sarah and Trevor. The good thing is we have been together this week but in a few days my sister heads for home and I can’t stand the thought of not being close by for her when she needs me. Distance can certainly make life difficult at times like these. No technology can replace the therapeutic value of a real hug or touch. Thank you for the love. xo M