My body was under attack.

For starters there was the constant pain on my left side that started in my back and moved to my stomach. There was the weird feeling that something was crawling under my skin. The itchiness. The super sensitivity of my skin – if anything touched it I felt like I was being zapped by electricity. The tiredness only I couldn’t sleep – I couldn’t get comfortable. About three days later the first spots appeared. I had my suspicions. I hoped I wasn’t right only it turned out I was.

“You have shingles,” said the doctor.

I wanted to scream but I sat there silent. Until a few months ago I knew almost nothing about shingles and in many respects I wish it had stayed that way. My husband was also diagnosed with shingles back in December only his was on his face.

“Did I catch it from my husband?” I asked immediately. I had a need to blame someone.

“No, this is pure co-incidence. You can’t catch shingles from someone else that has it,” responded the doctor.

“Yeah right,” was my thought.

What did I do to allow this sleeping virus to wake-up and flourish in my body?

Fact one: anyone who has had chickenpox has the shingles virus lying dormant in their nerve roots waiting to be activated.

Fact two: the virus remains dormant forever in some people – they are the lucky ones!

Fact three: this virus wakes-up when disease, stress or ageing weakens the immune system. Bingo, two out of three for us. The last 12 months have been incredibly stressful. In many respects I’d be quite happy to file 2011 into a memory file that I don’t return to too often if at all. As for ageing – well, we’re both over 50 so sadly we’re on that downhill slope.

My husband keeps saying to me “shingles is your friend”.  This irritates me. He believes we both ended up with shingles because our bodies were sending us a message – a wake up call of sorts. Our bodies were trying to tell us that they’ve had enough and we need to look after them better – “You need me in good working order and I can’t do this alone. Take better care of me.”

Over the last 10 days my wonderful husband has looked after me above and beyond the call of duty in an attempt to help me on to the path of being well. This is his gift to me and I love him for it. I was down, and even though he still isn’t fully recovered himself, he was there alongside me.

This morning as Lynsey dropped me off as close as possible to the venue where I would be working today I noticed this poster on the outside of the Archives New Zealand building. I looked at it and thought, “That is what Lynsey has been doing- he has been carrying me.” I felt so incredibly blessed.

My husband carries me in so many ways. He loves me unconditionally. He believes in me and my abilities. He encourages me. He is there through the good times and the bad.

Thank you Lynsey for being the extraordinary man that you are. I love you so much.

xoM

 Manifesto
12. Every day love yourself.
21. Every day seek the support of others. You are not alone.
35. Every day focus on what matters to you.

The second learning was an acceptance that not only could I not progress to the next step without assistance from other people, I really wanted to collaborate with others. Together we can do it. A bit of motherly advice there, thanks Mum.

We’ve been talking a lot about times of processing compared with times of action. The processing part has sometimes been rather frustrating, but the action part feels good. What’s starting to happen is, after what seems like the longest time waiting – getting ready to get ready – that some of my dreams are starting to roll down the runway, gathering a little momentum. This time last week? Gathering spider webs and dust bunnies. Today, a bit creaky, but moving. Progress, onwards and upwards.

Finally.

Exciting!

Manifesto
04. Every day is an opportunity to cultivate the promise of the future.
08. Every day choose to bring about change.
10. Every day connect with somebody.

The south coast.

The sun arcs overhead. Waves rolling out like freshly floured pastry on the shore. The ancient traditions of worshipping on the sea shore. It’s the one place most people can find a space in the corners of their minds for themselves.

Each of us chases the waves in our own way.

Living life out, breathing life in.

It’s a prayer for ourselves, voiced in the infinite voice of angels.

That is the only way we know how to do it.

Manifesto
05. Every day is now. The present moment.
23. Every day retain your personal power. It belongs to you. No one else.
39. Every day trust that there is a bigger picture. You are a part of it even if you may not know what it is.

I was amused by the fine selection of video gathering hardware phones, ipads – some people even used video cameras – how quaint.

The Rugby World Cup seems to have had rather a small impact on Wellington – apart from providing another excuse for people to get out in the sun and cheer each other on.

Does the scale really matter? An opportunity for people to get together and share some community in a good spirited and happy kind of way is always a good thing, and something that is all too rare. So the people who bravely managed to edge their car through the lunchtime crowds seemed to be having as good a time as the audience as the performers in the chants. I rather like the more informal approaches, where the people on the sidelines are almost impossible to separate from the performers.

Manifesto
10. Every day connect with somebody.
21. Every day seek the support of others. You are not alone.
32. Every day have a laugh.

Oh, and the Big Banana? Check out the yellow sleeping bag outfit stage right. Perfect for dealing with the nippy Wellington breeze.

Manifesto
29. Every day eat, drink, rest, work, exercise, play, love, create for your own good. And the good of others.
30. Every day use all your senses. Touch. Smell. Taste. Hear. See.
32. Every day have a laugh.

I can’t think of a more efficient machine for transporting a person, or a load, or – if you’ve ever visited some of the Asian countries – a family, a load of ducks, and a load as well. The bicycle can be mass produced from a variety of materials, and apart from the high-tech models, can be maintained by a relatively untrained and unskilled individual. Me, for example. Even I’ve managed to maintain my trusty steed before today.

It is this ubiquity and accessibility that makes the bicycle a machine that is available for all ages and sexes. I can recall my Mother talking about how important her bicycle was in terms of liberating her from being stuck at home – and from being a beast of burden lugging groceries home. How many machines can be so far reaching in their impact? Somehow I think that in 100 years time the bicycle will still be around. I expect it’ll be technically superior, but probably essentially unchanged – the epitome of an elegant design.

Manifesto
17. Every day look through a new lens.
22. Every day refine, clarify and simplify.
41. Every day use your mind. It is the greatest technology ever created.

I don’t believe there’s some enormous cosmic (or comic) plan, some conspiracy or other force at play – I just think that behind the sadness and frustration there’s nothing. I refuse to reinforce the sense of loss by giving it a meaning or interpretation. It’s just loss. I find no comfort in peppy pop psych quotes about how “change is good” and “change is the only constant”. Believe me, when the lights go out, the old fears are just a heartbeat away.

What’s proven far more valuable to me is to work with the sense of gain with gratitude for those things that continue to work and those people who are still here.

I got to spend a few precious moments with my father-in-law Mate (say: Marty) this afternoon. There’s never enough time. We talked about photography and how the technology had changed. I enjoy his company very much. He’s generous with his stories, with his heart, and with his laughter – and I love that very much – but I sometimes I feel helpless about what I feel he isn’t telling and I feel sad at the untold story. It’s like the silence between the words weighs more – there should be more, more – something. There’s an unspoken meaning, something I’m missing, misunderstanding. I fall back in the chair and we carry on. Working with what we’ve got. Nothing more, nothing less. Thank you. That’s enough.

Happy Father’s Day Mate.

Manifesto
20. Every day say thank you.
21. Every day seek the support of others. You are not alone.
42. Every day celebrate. Who you are. What you have achieved. Things that matter to you.

Except this one.

There were no white irises planted in our garden as far as I’m aware. We’ve never had white iris flowers in this spot before. So, where did this mysterious one come from? My guess is, it’s as a result of the unprecedented snow fall we had a couple of weeks back – somehow the snow transformed the usual dark velvety blues into crisp white. Suburban magic!

Manifesto
02. Every day is an opportunity for a new beginning.
08. Every day choose to bring about change.
32. Every day have a laugh.

Mostly silent.

Meanwhile. There’s you. And me. Sitting. Watching. Reading.

What would you want to transform over the next 100 days? Something incremental – like losing some weight? Growing a beard? Five new words in another language? A new recipe a day? A smile a day? Apply for a new job a day? How would your world be changed?

I do know the answer to that. Substantially.

It’s not that I believe that in 100 days you’ll have a new habit or be able to give up an old habit – it takes much longer than that to bed down from my experience. What I do know from my Fresh New Day experience is that after about 100 days you’ve started to change your world. There’s something about the energy, the commitment you make to yourself that you start to recognise and start to respect. Your self value goes up.

The great thing is, if you keep going for the following 50 days, unlike the stadium, you’ll never return to being mostly deserted again. You will be permanently transformed. Guaranteed. If you like the sound of that, make a choice, make a decision, and make a start. Let me know how you get on. I can’t to hear what you’re up to, and what works out.

Manifesto
01. Every day is a fresh new day.
02. Every day is an opportunity for a new beginning.
04. Every day is an opportunity to cultivate the promise of the future.

Dad parked up and rushed out of the rain.

He asks this palangi, “Is this a smoking zone? Oh, no, it’s not, there’s the sign.”

He’s running to get out of the rain, he wants a smoke, we’re parked in the No Waiting space. Dad doesn’t want to pay for a park. Mum says no smoking in the car.

The palangi grins and points down the way.

Dad giggles and pulls out a smoke and bends over to light it.

The palangi grins at me and I grin back and I hide down, sneaking a look out the back window. I laugh at Dad hunched up against the rain, trying to keep the smoke dry. I hate them. They stink.

I wish Aunty Sefi would hurry up.

Hope we still have the barbecue tonight. Everybody’s coming.

The palangi wanders off.

Manifesto
10. Every day connect with somebody.
21. Every day seek the support of others. You are not alone.
49. Every day is a good day.