My body was under attack.

For starters there was the constant pain on my left side that started in my back and moved to my stomach. There was the weird feeling that something was crawling under my skin. The itchiness. The super sensitivity of my skin – if anything touched it I felt like I was being zapped by electricity. The tiredness only I couldn’t sleep – I couldn’t get comfortable. About three days later the first spots appeared. I had my suspicions. I hoped I wasn’t right only it turned out I was.

“You have shingles,” said the doctor.

I wanted to scream but I sat there silent. Until a few months ago I knew almost nothing about shingles and in many respects I wish it had stayed that way. My husband was also diagnosed with shingles back in December only his was on his face.

“Did I catch it from my husband?” I asked immediately. I had a need to blame someone.

“No, this is pure co-incidence. You can’t catch shingles from someone else that has it,” responded the doctor.

“Yeah right,” was my thought.

What did I do to allow this sleeping virus to wake-up and flourish in my body?

Fact one: anyone who has had chickenpox has the shingles virus lying dormant in their nerve roots waiting to be activated.

Fact two: the virus remains dormant forever in some people – they are the lucky ones!

Fact three: this virus wakes-up when disease, stress or ageing weakens the immune system. Bingo, two out of three for us. The last 12 months have been incredibly stressful. In many respects I’d be quite happy to file 2011 into a memory file that I don’t return to too often if at all. As for ageing – well, we’re both over 50 so sadly we’re on that downhill slope.

My husband keeps saying to me “shingles is your friend”.  This irritates me. He believes we both ended up with shingles because our bodies were sending us a message – a wake up call of sorts. Our bodies were trying to tell us that they’ve had enough and we need to look after them better – “You need me in good working order and I can’t do this alone. Take better care of me.”

Over the last 10 days my wonderful husband has looked after me above and beyond the call of duty in an attempt to help me on to the path of being well. This is his gift to me and I love him for it. I was down, and even though he still isn’t fully recovered himself, he was there alongside me.

This morning as Lynsey dropped me off as close as possible to the venue where I would be working today I noticed this poster on the outside of the Archives New Zealand building. I looked at it and thought, “That is what Lynsey has been doing- he has been carrying me.” I felt so incredibly blessed.

My husband carries me in so many ways. He loves me unconditionally. He believes in me and my abilities. He encourages me. He is there through the good times and the bad.

Thank you Lynsey for being the extraordinary man that you are. I love you so much.

xoM

 Manifesto
12. Every day love yourself.
21. Every day seek the support of others. You are not alone.
35. Every day focus on what matters to you.

Back in the day Te Aro Park in Dixon/Manners Street was replete with pigeons. Replete. There were hundreds. Thousands. The park was more commonly known as ‘Pigeon Park’. I loved the crazed fluster of wings and the mad enterprise as the flocks soared and squabbled over the crusts from the lunch time crowds.

Later, I made a series of photos of pigeons in Cuba Street, and I used them to help get entry into design school. Somewhere along the way I lost the photos – I wonder if they were as good in reality as they are in my mind.

Today, I still love the metallic feather sparkle that pigeons exhibit when they strut around in sunlight. Their lolly pink feet – pigeons walk on lolly pink feet. Other birds, like sparrows and starlings, hop. Pigeons have a proud, almost defiant stance. And I especially love the fact that, despite the best efforts of the authorities, there are still pigeons fluttering and jostling for crusts on our streets.

Manifesto
14. Every day the ordinary can be the extraordinary.
30. Every day use all your senses. Touch. Smell. Taste. Hear. See.
49. Every day is a good day.

Somebody JSH has a big, hot red heart for somebody ABs.

Probably someone Joan Stevens Hall, probably someone All Blacks.

Manifesto
18. Every day express love. Some people need to hear it. Most people need to see it. Don’t take it for granted.
38. Every day be brave and give things a go. Use fear to trigger you into action.
42. Every day celebrate. Who you are. What you have achieved. Things that matter to you.

I don’t believe there’s some enormous cosmic (or comic) plan, some conspiracy or other force at play – I just think that behind the sadness and frustration there’s nothing. I refuse to reinforce the sense of loss by giving it a meaning or interpretation. It’s just loss. I find no comfort in peppy pop psych quotes about how “change is good” and “change is the only constant”. Believe me, when the lights go out, the old fears are just a heartbeat away.

What’s proven far more valuable to me is to work with the sense of gain with gratitude for those things that continue to work and those people who are still here.

I got to spend a few precious moments with my father-in-law Mate (say: Marty) this afternoon. There’s never enough time. We talked about photography and how the technology had changed. I enjoy his company very much. He’s generous with his stories, with his heart, and with his laughter – and I love that very much – but I sometimes I feel helpless about what I feel he isn’t telling and I feel sad at the untold story. It’s like the silence between the words weighs more – there should be more, more – something. There’s an unspoken meaning, something I’m missing, misunderstanding. I fall back in the chair and we carry on. Working with what we’ve got. Nothing more, nothing less. Thank you. That’s enough.

Happy Father’s Day Mate.

Manifesto
20. Every day say thank you.
21. Every day seek the support of others. You are not alone.
42. Every day celebrate. Who you are. What you have achieved. Things that matter to you.

My office overlooks our city’s Civic Square. It is the most spectacular view. Every day as I look out any of the numerous windows that line the walls I always take the time to soak in the moment and feel grateful. These windows are living picture frames. The natural, every day art works enclosed within these rectangles always move me in some way. I am forever grabbing my camera to try and capture the memory of what I see before me but none of these photos ever truly do justice to the experience of what I see and feel.

Today as I was working away one of my colleagues told me to look out the window. I saw an older couple walking across the square holding hands. They seemed so in tune and connected with one another. They looked like they loved and cared for one another. I found myself smiling as I watched them walk.

“That’s what you and Lynsey will be like,” my colleague said to me.

As I reflected on this scene I remembered a poem Lynsey and I read to each other on our wedding day – Let’s grow old together.

Let’s grow old together …
beginning with today.
Let’s work slowly with each other and build a relationship that we can both enjoy being a part of.
Let’s share love and understand that neither of us is perfect; we are both subject to human frailties.
Let’s hold each other close and whisper though the night – pledging our love, honouring our commitment.
Let’s encourage each other to pursue our dreams, even when we’re weary from trying.
Let’s expect the best that we both have to give and still love when we fall short of our expectations.
Let’s be friends and respect each other’s individual personality and give one another room to grow.
Let’s be candid with each other and point out strengths and weaknesses.
Let’s understand each other’s personal philosophy, even if we don’t agree.
Let’s lie awake long into the night sharing our innermost secrets.
Let’s be friends as well as lovers.
Let’s laugh at time and plan with each other and wonder how we ever got along without this love we’ve found.
Let’s never take for granted these moments that we’ve shared, but always be reminded of how intensely we have learned to live, how completely we have learned to love.
Let’s grow old together…
and look back on life and smile.
- Braxton Brown and Peggy Smith

Manifesto
03. Every day is an opportunity to reflect on the past.
04. Every day is an opportunity to cultivate the promise of the future.
05. Every day is now. The present moment.

It’s the best thing ever, if for no other reason than when you’re in love, madly in love, you become kind of blind. You just don’t see the world around you in quite the same way – everything is either beautiful – or you don’t care – or both. No-one knows where love grows … but I love that it does.

Manifesto
17. Every day look through a new lens.
18. Every day express love. Some people need to hear it. Most people need to see it. Don’t take it for granted.
46. Every day you can change your thoughts.

I have a friend who lives in a revamped commercial building. Numerous changes have been made to aspects of the building since she started living there. For example, the entrance stairs and hallway have been carpeted.

As I was standing in this hallway today saying good-bye to my friend I could picture the brightly coloured advertisement for a herb and spice company painted on the bare concrete floor that now lay hidden beneath the carpet on the spot where I was standing.

This reminded me of all the things we see and experience every day that are here one moment and then gone the next. Sometimes they momentarily disappear. Other times they are gone forever. Then there are those things that lay hidden between the layers waiting to be revealed at some later time.

Manifesto
17. Every day look through a new lens.
36. Every day be still. Connect to your inner being. Listen and be guided by it.
39. Every day trust that there is a bigger picture. You are a part of it even if you may not know what it is.

I go for a walk at lunch time – fresh air and blood moving – some energy to get through the afternoon. As I’m walking I wonder what the rest of the world is up to. There’ll be the usual bad things, of course, amplified one moment by the media, forgotten a few seconds later. And there will be as many, if not more, good things to be found in the moment.

Where are you right now? Exactly where, exactly right now?

Are you seeing what you want to see? Or are you seeing what you always see?

I often retreat to my inner jungle. It’s pleasantly warm there. The sun is always rising. The plants are beautiful – fragrant, lush. The animals are starting to move around. I feel as though I’ve been away on the longest journey and it feels so good to be back.

Manifesto
05. Every day is now. The present moment.
14. Every day the ordinary can be the extraordinary.
19. Every day make time for yourself.

While making the shot I wondered about the apple – to me, a food as well as a concept or an idea that resonates in so many ways of ‘home’. I could call up many memories in which apples had a role. Ubiquitous, but anything but common. Humble yet noble, the everyman (or woman) fruit.

If I was travelling to a far-off place what would I take? I decided that like the Victorians, yes, I think I probably would take an apple tree or two with me – for the fruit, the wood, for the love, for home, and for my new home. Across the globe, across the years.

Manifesto
04. Every day is an opportunity to cultivate the promise of the future.
14. Every day the ordinary can be the extraordinary.
30. Every day use all your senses. Touch. Smell. Taste. Hear. See.

Look at you. Pathetic. Start ups always fail. You and your ridiculous dreams. You’re never going to amount to anything. Buck your ideas up. You’ve left your run too late. What do you think you’ll be able to change? You’ll do a lot with a big stick and a tin of stones. I’m very disappointed in you. Design is not one of your strengths is it? We’ve tried that before. Not exactly original is it? None of the competitors do it therefore it’s not standard, and therefore we’re not going to do it. You’re too little. I can see no-one has taught you how to do this before. You can’t do this. You’re lazy. Knew you couldn’t do it. Doesn’t count. What would you know? We wish you the best for your future endeavours. Not your best effort. We don’t need any more of your designs. Nobody takes you seriously. Weak. It doesn’t work. Won’t amount to much. I don’t like it. You’re spoiled. You’re just showing off. You should’ve paid attention. Could try harder. You got it wrong. Loser. Fail.

Do let me know if I’ve missed any out.

Give me the benefit of your convictions, if you have any; but keep your doubts to yourself, for I have enough of my own. — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Manifesto
12. Every day love yourself.
23. Every day retain your personal power. It belongs to you. No one else.
28. Every day you will be tested.