My body was under attack.

For starters there was the constant pain on my left side that started in my back and moved to my stomach. There was the weird feeling that something was crawling under my skin. The itchiness. The super sensitivity of my skin – if anything touched it I felt like I was being zapped by electricity. The tiredness only I couldn’t sleep – I couldn’t get comfortable. About three days later the first spots appeared. I had my suspicions. I hoped I wasn’t right only it turned out I was.

“You have shingles,” said the doctor.

I wanted to scream but I sat there silent. Until a few months ago I knew almost nothing about shingles and in many respects I wish it had stayed that way. My husband was also diagnosed with shingles back in December only his was on his face.

“Did I catch it from my husband?” I asked immediately. I had a need to blame someone.

“No, this is pure co-incidence. You can’t catch shingles from someone else that has it,” responded the doctor.

“Yeah right,” was my thought.

What did I do to allow this sleeping virus to wake-up and flourish in my body?

Fact one: anyone who has had chickenpox has the shingles virus lying dormant in their nerve roots waiting to be activated.

Fact two: the virus remains dormant forever in some people – they are the lucky ones!

Fact three: this virus wakes-up when disease, stress or ageing weakens the immune system. Bingo, two out of three for us. The last 12 months have been incredibly stressful. In many respects I’d be quite happy to file 2011 into a memory file that I don’t return to too often if at all. As for ageing – well, we’re both over 50 so sadly we’re on that downhill slope.

My husband keeps saying to me “shingles is your friend”.  This irritates me. He believes we both ended up with shingles because our bodies were sending us a message – a wake up call of sorts. Our bodies were trying to tell us that they’ve had enough and we need to look after them better – “You need me in good working order and I can’t do this alone. Take better care of me.”

Over the last 10 days my wonderful husband has looked after me above and beyond the call of duty in an attempt to help me on to the path of being well. This is his gift to me and I love him for it. I was down, and even though he still isn’t fully recovered himself, he was there alongside me.

This morning as Lynsey dropped me off as close as possible to the venue where I would be working today I noticed this poster on the outside of the Archives New Zealand building. I looked at it and thought, “That is what Lynsey has been doing- he has been carrying me.” I felt so incredibly blessed.

My husband carries me in so many ways. He loves me unconditionally. He believes in me and my abilities. He encourages me. He is there through the good times and the bad.

Thank you Lynsey for being the extraordinary man that you are. I love you so much.

xoM

 Manifesto
12. Every day love yourself.
21. Every day seek the support of others. You are not alone.
35. Every day focus on what matters to you.

For a while now I have been following Connie Hozvicka (Dirty Footprints Studio) as she has transformed herself from a school art teacher to an Artist – yes, an Artist with a capital A!

Connie is passionate about the ability of art to change lives and she has certainly used it to create the life she wants to be living. Connie oozes “creative juiciness” and her passion is very infectious. I have participated in a number of her online art journalling workshops and have loved each experience and my interactions with her.

Yesterday Connie promoted an upcoming wishBIG ecamp and offered a gift to her readers:

“Just in case you’re feeling lucky…
I’m giving away one free registration to a lucky commenter!

Yep, all you need to do is leave a comment below telling me what your wishBIG is for 2012….and you might be the lucky snowball that wins!”

I am not sure why this invitation attracted my attention. First of all, I don’t believe in wishes (fanciful time wasting says the sceptic in me). Secondly, I have come to believe that there are two types of people in this world – those that are born lucky and those that aren’t. I definitely fall in the latter category. As you can see there is lots of healthy left brain thinking going on here: wishing is a waste of time and is for dreamers, setting goals and taking action is what its all about, dreams can’t possibly come true so why waste time thinking about them … I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture.

Fortunately, I also have a right brain – my wonderful creative and spirited friend that said to me, “Really, is that what you honestly believe? Why don’t you wish? Where’s the harm in giving it go?”

I have a book, The WishingYear by Noelle Oxenhandler, sitting in the rather large book pile by my bed waiting to be read. This book has been there a while. It is in pristine condition – it has not been opened. A part of me thinks, “I bet her wishes come true and do I really want to know about it”. Another part of me thinks, “There might be something in this and maybe I need to explore this more – maybe I need to start wishing.”

Thanks to Connie, I started wishing yesterday. I began by wondering what my big wish for 2012 is. What I desire to happen for me above all else in the coming twelve months.

Here’s what I wrote …

Hi Connie

Thanks for this opportunity. You have an amazingly generous spirit.

Wishing is not something I do very often for myself but I do it very easily in relation to others.

I have convinced myself that wishes come true only for lucky people and I am not one of them. For me luck has never figured into anything, only hard work. It is exactly this thinking and it’s related actions that has led me to the point where I am writing this from bed as I am trying to recuperate from shingles. My body has said I’ve had enough – you will slow down – so in the last 7 days I have had plenty of time to think about what I want to change in my life as I have tried to deal with the endless pain caused by this virus inside my body.

My wishBig for 2012 is that I start honouring and believing in myself and accept that I am enough as I am. I always think I’m not good enough and that I have to prove myself to be worthy of anything and everything. As a result I push myself incredibly hard and take everything I do very, very seriously. I am always putting energy into needing to be more – to improve and develop myself to be the best I can be – and being there for everyone else. However I always forget that I need some of me as well.

I have allowed my day job to control my life. I want to change this situation. At the moment it is a means to an end. It is not my life’s work. It is not how I will be defined on my death bed. I do have dreams for a different future. I get panicked that time is running out and that I need to do it all now. I don’t. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will I be. This is a lifetime’s work and that is why I want to make very day count but not at any cost.

What I want is to love me as I do so unconditionally everyone else. I want to love all of me and make time to honor my physical, spiritual, creative, and intellectual needs. I want to bring balance, laughter and joy back into my life so I can start turning my dreams into reality.

I want to be that girl that allows herself to make a wish with a dandelion in her hand and imagine anything is possible. I want to believe and trust that wishes can come true for me too.

Love Marica

There are numerous other wishes lurking around inside me. They are begging for a voice if they are to have any power to become real.

What do you wish for yourself in 2012?

Manifesto
12. Every day love yourself.
17. Every day look through a new lens.
34. Every day focus on your dreams.

The second learning was an acceptance that not only could I not progress to the next step without assistance from other people, I really wanted to collaborate with others. Together we can do it. A bit of motherly advice there, thanks Mum.

We’ve been talking a lot about times of processing compared with times of action. The processing part has sometimes been rather frustrating, but the action part feels good. What’s starting to happen is, after what seems like the longest time waiting – getting ready to get ready – that some of my dreams are starting to roll down the runway, gathering a little momentum. This time last week? Gathering spider webs and dust bunnies. Today, a bit creaky, but moving. Progress, onwards and upwards.

Finally.

Exciting!

Manifesto
04. Every day is an opportunity to cultivate the promise of the future.
08. Every day choose to bring about change.
10. Every day connect with somebody.

The south coast.

The sun arcs overhead. Waves rolling out like freshly floured pastry on the shore. The ancient traditions of worshipping on the sea shore. It’s the one place most people can find a space in the corners of their minds for themselves.

Each of us chases the waves in our own way.

Living life out, breathing life in.

It’s a prayer for ourselves, voiced in the infinite voice of angels.

That is the only way we know how to do it.

Manifesto
05. Every day is now. The present moment.
23. Every day retain your personal power. It belongs to you. No one else.
39. Every day trust that there is a bigger picture. You are a part of it even if you may not know what it is.

I was amused by the fine selection of video gathering hardware phones, ipads – some people even used video cameras – how quaint.

The Rugby World Cup seems to have had rather a small impact on Wellington – apart from providing another excuse for people to get out in the sun and cheer each other on.

Does the scale really matter? An opportunity for people to get together and share some community in a good spirited and happy kind of way is always a good thing, and something that is all too rare. So the people who bravely managed to edge their car through the lunchtime crowds seemed to be having as good a time as the audience as the performers in the chants. I rather like the more informal approaches, where the people on the sidelines are almost impossible to separate from the performers.

Manifesto
10. Every day connect with somebody.
21. Every day seek the support of others. You are not alone.
32. Every day have a laugh.

I wondered about drowning. Drowning is a most unpleasant experience. As a kid I misjudged my swimming abilities in a way that could’ve gone badly wrong. There was definitely more water in the Gonville pool than I could cope with. As an adult I know people not too far away from my desk who say that they are drowning in their work. I always feel uncomfortable when I hear people say that – the choking panic is a very clear memory to me.

But many of us do overload ourselves with work. We either take it on, or willingly allow ourselves to be pushed into ever deeper depths of workload. We want to do a good job, show off our capacities in front of friends and colleagues, and end up choking and gagging. There’s definitely more water in the work pool than you can cope with.

When I finally struggled to the surface, panicking, coughing out the burning chlorinated water, all I could think about was getting out of the water, and on to the sun baked concrete. I can remember flapping my right arm over the edge and feeling the reassuring burn of the concrete. I wanted to hang on to some sort hand grip – anything – but that concrete was the best there was, and at that moment it was the best thing ever. I managed to clamber out of the pool and I sat there feeling sorry for myself (and not a little stupid), taking stock and trying to stop shivering.

After the terror started to fade, I noticed the other people – kids mostly – shouting, giggling, splashing, and having a great time. The water in the pool was this gorgeous, sparkling blue. The sky – a perfect Summer day. The colours, sounds, sensations – everything was magic, beautiful. I’m drowning one moment, drinking in the beauty the next.

The reality is, the beauty was there, surrounding me, all the time. I just needed to almost lose it in order to see it, to experience the precious moment. If you’re drowning in your work, I urge you lift your head up about the surface and suck down some life-giving space into your lungs. Stick your head up like a meerkat, and look around. Look.

Precious moments.

How many do you think you’re going to have?

Manifesto
02. Every day is an opportunity for a new beginning.
05. Every day is now. The present moment.
19. Every day make time for yourself.

Annoyingly, some of the branches seem really interesting. Unfortunately, no matter how interesting they seem to be, they’re just distractions.

Manifesto
22. Every day refine, clarify and simplify.
26. Every day take action. Every small step counts.
34. Every day focus on your dreams.

I prefer to regard a dessert as I would imagine the perfect woman: subtle, a little bittersweet, not blowsy and extrovert. Delicately made up, not highly rouged. Holding back, not exposing everything and, of course, with a flavour that lasts. — Graham Kerr

There’s nothing better for me than something I can really get my teeth into. There’s probably a million things, issues, interests, blah-blah out there, every day, to attract my attention – advertising this, crisis that, cause the other. They’re overwhelming. As far as possible, I try to filter them, to ignore them. There’s just too much for me to give my full attention to – it’s kind of like an entire meal composed of dessert. It sounds great, but ultimately leaves me feeling unfulfilled.

This year I’ve been making a major effort to really pick my battles. It’s not easy for me, there’s a temptation to dig into almost any distracting thing that takes my attention. That’s not just my battle these days – traditional media fails because people just don’t have, or don’t take, the time to give full attention. It’s a high stakes battle for our minds.

If it’s that important I really should pay more attention. Except I’m just reminding myself to concentrate on the here and now, digging in to what’s right at my fingertips. Make a better photo. Write a better sentence. That’s enough for me.

Manifesto
06. Every day you make choices.
22. Every day refine, clarify and simplify.
35. Every day focus on what matters to you.

My office overlooks our city’s Civic Square. It is the most spectacular view. Every day as I look out any of the numerous windows that line the walls I always take the time to soak in the moment and feel grateful. These windows are living picture frames. The natural, every day art works enclosed within these rectangles always move me in some way. I am forever grabbing my camera to try and capture the memory of what I see before me but none of these photos ever truly do justice to the experience of what I see and feel.

Today as I was working away one of my colleagues told me to look out the window. I saw an older couple walking across the square holding hands. They seemed so in tune and connected with one another. They looked like they loved and cared for one another. I found myself smiling as I watched them walk.

“That’s what you and Lynsey will be like,” my colleague said to me.

As I reflected on this scene I remembered a poem Lynsey and I read to each other on our wedding day – Let’s grow old together.

Let’s grow old together …
beginning with today.
Let’s work slowly with each other and build a relationship that we can both enjoy being a part of.
Let’s share love and understand that neither of us is perfect; we are both subject to human frailties.
Let’s hold each other close and whisper though the night – pledging our love, honouring our commitment.
Let’s encourage each other to pursue our dreams, even when we’re weary from trying.
Let’s expect the best that we both have to give and still love when we fall short of our expectations.
Let’s be friends and respect each other’s individual personality and give one another room to grow.
Let’s be candid with each other and point out strengths and weaknesses.
Let’s understand each other’s personal philosophy, even if we don’t agree.
Let’s lie awake long into the night sharing our innermost secrets.
Let’s be friends as well as lovers.
Let’s laugh at time and plan with each other and wonder how we ever got along without this love we’ve found.
Let’s never take for granted these moments that we’ve shared, but always be reminded of how intensely we have learned to live, how completely we have learned to love.
Let’s grow old together…
and look back on life and smile.
- Braxton Brown and Peggy Smith

Manifesto
03. Every day is an opportunity to reflect on the past.
04. Every day is an opportunity to cultivate the promise of the future.
05. Every day is now. The present moment.

It’s the best thing ever, if for no other reason than when you’re in love, madly in love, you become kind of blind. You just don’t see the world around you in quite the same way – everything is either beautiful – or you don’t care – or both. No-one knows where love grows … but I love that it does.

Manifesto
17. Every day look through a new lens.
18. Every day express love. Some people need to hear it. Most people need to see it. Don’t take it for granted.
46. Every day you can change your thoughts.