My body was under attack.

For starters there was the constant pain on my left side that started in my back and moved to my stomach. There was the weird feeling that something was crawling under my skin. The itchiness. The super sensitivity of my skin – if anything touched it I felt like I was being zapped by electricity. The tiredness only I couldn’t sleep – I couldn’t get comfortable. About three days later the first spots appeared. I had my suspicions. I hoped I wasn’t right only it turned out I was.

“You have shingles,” said the doctor.

I wanted to scream but I sat there silent. Until a few months ago I knew almost nothing about shingles and in many respects I wish it had stayed that way. My husband was also diagnosed with shingles back in December only his was on his face.

“Did I catch it from my husband?” I asked immediately. I had a need to blame someone.

“No, this is pure co-incidence. You can’t catch shingles from someone else that has it,” responded the doctor.

“Yeah right,” was my thought.

What did I do to allow this sleeping virus to wake-up and flourish in my body?

Fact one: anyone who has had chickenpox has the shingles virus lying dormant in their nerve roots waiting to be activated.

Fact two: the virus remains dormant forever in some people – they are the lucky ones!

Fact three: this virus wakes-up when disease, stress or ageing weakens the immune system. Bingo, two out of three for us. The last 12 months have been incredibly stressful. In many respects I’d be quite happy to file 2011 into a memory file that I don’t return to too often if at all. As for ageing – well, we’re both over 50 so sadly we’re on that downhill slope.

My husband keeps saying to me “shingles is your friend”.  This irritates me. He believes we both ended up with shingles because our bodies were sending us a message – a wake up call of sorts. Our bodies were trying to tell us that they’ve had enough and we need to look after them better – “You need me in good working order and I can’t do this alone. Take better care of me.”

Over the last 10 days my wonderful husband has looked after me above and beyond the call of duty in an attempt to help me on to the path of being well. This is his gift to me and I love him for it. I was down, and even though he still isn’t fully recovered himself, he was there alongside me.

This morning as Lynsey dropped me off as close as possible to the venue where I would be working today I noticed this poster on the outside of the Archives New Zealand building. I looked at it and thought, “That is what Lynsey has been doing- he has been carrying me.” I felt so incredibly blessed.

My husband carries me in so many ways. He loves me unconditionally. He believes in me and my abilities. He encourages me. He is there through the good times and the bad.

Thank you Lynsey for being the extraordinary man that you are. I love you so much.

xoM

 Manifesto
12. Every day love yourself.
21. Every day seek the support of others. You are not alone.
35. Every day focus on what matters to you.

For a while now I have been following Connie Hozvicka (Dirty Footprints Studio) as she has transformed herself from a school art teacher to an Artist – yes, an Artist with a capital A!

Connie is passionate about the ability of art to change lives and she has certainly used it to create the life she wants to be living. Connie oozes “creative juiciness” and her passion is very infectious. I have participated in a number of her online art journalling workshops and have loved each experience and my interactions with her.

Yesterday Connie promoted an upcoming wishBIG ecamp and offered a gift to her readers:

“Just in case you’re feeling lucky…
I’m giving away one free registration to a lucky commenter!

Yep, all you need to do is leave a comment below telling me what your wishBIG is for 2012….and you might be the lucky snowball that wins!”

I am not sure why this invitation attracted my attention. First of all, I don’t believe in wishes (fanciful time wasting says the sceptic in me). Secondly, I have come to believe that there are two types of people in this world – those that are born lucky and those that aren’t. I definitely fall in the latter category. As you can see there is lots of healthy left brain thinking going on here: wishing is a waste of time and is for dreamers, setting goals and taking action is what its all about, dreams can’t possibly come true so why waste time thinking about them … I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture.

Fortunately, I also have a right brain – my wonderful creative and spirited friend that said to me, “Really, is that what you honestly believe? Why don’t you wish? Where’s the harm in giving it go?”

I have a book, The WishingYear by Noelle Oxenhandler, sitting in the rather large book pile by my bed waiting to be read. This book has been there a while. It is in pristine condition – it has not been opened. A part of me thinks, “I bet her wishes come true and do I really want to know about it”. Another part of me thinks, “There might be something in this and maybe I need to explore this more – maybe I need to start wishing.”

Thanks to Connie, I started wishing yesterday. I began by wondering what my big wish for 2012 is. What I desire to happen for me above all else in the coming twelve months.

Here’s what I wrote …

Hi Connie

Thanks for this opportunity. You have an amazingly generous spirit.

Wishing is not something I do very often for myself but I do it very easily in relation to others.

I have convinced myself that wishes come true only for lucky people and I am not one of them. For me luck has never figured into anything, only hard work. It is exactly this thinking and it’s related actions that has led me to the point where I am writing this from bed as I am trying to recuperate from shingles. My body has said I’ve had enough – you will slow down – so in the last 7 days I have had plenty of time to think about what I want to change in my life as I have tried to deal with the endless pain caused by this virus inside my body.

My wishBig for 2012 is that I start honouring and believing in myself and accept that I am enough as I am. I always think I’m not good enough and that I have to prove myself to be worthy of anything and everything. As a result I push myself incredibly hard and take everything I do very, very seriously. I am always putting energy into needing to be more – to improve and develop myself to be the best I can be – and being there for everyone else. However I always forget that I need some of me as well.

I have allowed my day job to control my life. I want to change this situation. At the moment it is a means to an end. It is not my life’s work. It is not how I will be defined on my death bed. I do have dreams for a different future. I get panicked that time is running out and that I need to do it all now. I don’t. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will I be. This is a lifetime’s work and that is why I want to make very day count but not at any cost.

What I want is to love me as I do so unconditionally everyone else. I want to love all of me and make time to honor my physical, spiritual, creative, and intellectual needs. I want to bring balance, laughter and joy back into my life so I can start turning my dreams into reality.

I want to be that girl that allows herself to make a wish with a dandelion in her hand and imagine anything is possible. I want to believe and trust that wishes can come true for me too.

Love Marica

There are numerous other wishes lurking around inside me. They are begging for a voice if they are to have any power to become real.

What do you wish for yourself in 2012?

Manifesto
12. Every day love yourself.
17. Every day look through a new lens.
34. Every day focus on your dreams.

It all started out as a run of the mill eye test. A couple of years and it’s time for me to get my eye test sorted. It’s relatively painless, and although I had some vague concerns I didn’t have any real fears. It’s an eye test, I’ve had them before, what can go wrong?

Well, nothing wrong with the test part of the eye test. The story is not quite the same for my eyes, and a further test is required. Not quite the news I wanted to hear. I feel a bit frightened. Memo to body: what are you playing at?

My eyesight is such a vital part of my self identity – I was suddenly afraid about how I’d cope if my eyesight vanished. How would I earn a living? How could I learn the necessary skills to be able to even get a job? We’re all short on time – what are you going to do with what you have left?

If your eyesight were to fail suddenly – and it does for some people in accidents – what would be the last thing you’d want to see? A favourite scene? A loved one? A work of art? A velvet painting of Elvis? Does it really make any difference?

Is there really a longing, a loving, a gratitude for something until you’ve either lost it or about to lose it?

Either way, you get on with the day … but I’m still wondering about what you do with what you’ve got left.

Manifesto
20. Every day say thank you.
26. Every day take action. Every small step counts.
45. Every day you are a different person.

“You know, if you want to avoid me, you should stop coming here.”

Lea stirred from her daydream and looked around nervously. Who… ? The guy in the other seat stared out the window. The driver concentrated on the obstacle course ahead.

“Over 2.3 million passengers. You know, you’re the only one I talk to.”

The left side of Lea’s top lip twitched. Again. She could feel herself frowning. Perspiring.

“So, you got nowhere. Are you taking care of yourself?”

Lea’s sunglasses started to slide down her perspiration slicked nose.

No-one else seemed to notice the conversation opening. Lea squirmed. The question hung in the air. Someone or something, was trying to talk to her.

“This is crazy. No-one speaks to me on this bus. I am going home. Alone. As usual. Nobody likes me. I am completely alone, and no-one is talking to me now”, Lea hissed under her breath.

The bus lurched and continued to grind up the hill. Lea pushed the stop alert button, and the driver pulled in to the curb.

Lea swiped her bus pass over the monitor, and stumbled out and away without looking back.

“You know,” said the Driver, turning to confront the monitor, “My orange friend, you’re a real laugh; but you’re so damn mean to those single girls!”

There was a moment of silence. They both laughed as the bus pulled away from the curb…

Manifesto
24. Every day is a journey. Not a destination.
28. Every day you will be tested.
32. Every day have a laugh.

It’s a kind of magnet in the late afternoon. I think we might have to keep it on after the Rugby World Cup.

When else, where else is the light so beautiful?

Of course, most of the people are more interested in the other attractions than the way the light runs across the buildings and scampers up the hill sides.

In the world headquarters of the verb, even the light is an activity.

Manifesto
14. Every day the ordinary can be the extraordinary.
24. Every day is a journey. Not a destination.
50. Every day has an ending.

I’m walking down the street early this afternoon. I’ve just had a successful meeting. Things are going well.

Suddenly, there’s a lemon tree, complete with lemons, vibrant orange-yellow lemons. Completely out of context. How bizarre to see a fruit tree in the middle of the city. I was torn between being delighted and feeling slightly stupid. I’d walked past about 30 minutes earlier – and didn’t notice the lemons. Did someone just put them there? How could I have not noticed them?

Quite simply, there’s no explanation. I guess I was looking at something else, travelling somewhere else in my mind. Not paying attention, at least not to unexpected citrus trees.

Meanwhile, precious, beautiful, life slinks past. Just glides away. Vanishes. Unnoticed. Ignored…

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. — John Lennon

Manifesto
05. Every day is now. The present moment.
17. Every day look through a new lens.
28. Every day you will be tested.

Other than the bright blue skies on those magical clear days, Wellington is not a brightly coloured city. That’s not to say that the town is colourless, rather that Wellington specialises in a fine range of muted tones. The combinations are often subtle, but often very beautiful. There’s also a rich fusion of Victorian and more modern architectural styles – it’s terrific – very inspirational.

As I walk around hunting for the elusive shot of the day, I wonder what the stories are behind the façades and windows. If this building was in use by time travellers, is this the light fitting they’d use?

Manifesto
36. Every day be still. Connect to your inner being. Listen and be guided by it.
41. Every day use your mind. It is the greatest technology ever created.
45. Every day you are a different person.

When Spring finally takes hold, this oak tree is likely to be covered in the vibrant lime green of new growth. Likely, but not a guarantee – trees have their own seasons measured with a subtlety beyond our rush-rush human measures. There’s a season for us all. Some things we give up to make the change, others we ease into and take more on board with. We’re all changing, all the time. It’s all happening. It’s just not always that obvious. Thankfully.

Manifesto
02. Every day is an opportunity for a new beginning.
25. Every day your light shines for others to see.
40. Every day give things a chance to work out.

Somebody JSH has a big, hot red heart for somebody ABs.

Probably someone Joan Stevens Hall, probably someone All Blacks.

Manifesto
18. Every day express love. Some people need to hear it. Most people need to see it. Don’t take it for granted.
38. Every day be brave and give things a go. Use fear to trigger you into action.
42. Every day celebrate. Who you are. What you have achieved. Things that matter to you.

Early this afternoon a deeply evil looking cloud rolled across Wellington from the south. Soon after, in addition to the outbursts of lightning and loud thunder, hail the size of chick peas hammered the roofs and roads. It was quite entertaining watching the unfortunate drivers trying to manage the suddenly rather dangerous roads.

Whatever plans the drivers had, there was suddenly a new set of plans to be made.

Across the road, students were throwing hail as though it was snow. Down the slopes, courier drivers were trying to get their vans running. Office workers were out having a quick and cold cigarette. Others were taking photos.

Same for me – I had to make a photo or two while the beauty was fresh.

Manifesto
30. Every day use all your senses. Touch. Smell. Taste. Hear. See.
38. Every day be brave and give things a go. Use fear to trigger you into action.
48. Every day there are things you can’t change. You can change the way you think about them and deal with them.