For a while now I have been following Connie Hozvicka (Dirty Footprints Studio) as she has transformed herself from a school art teacher to an Artist – yes, an Artist with a capital A!

Connie is passionate about the ability of art to change lives and she has certainly used it to create the life she wants to be living. Connie oozes “creative juiciness” and her passion is very infectious. I have participated in a number of her online art journalling workshops and have loved each experience and my interactions with her.

Yesterday Connie promoted an upcoming wishBIG ecamp and offered a gift to her readers:

“Just in case you’re feeling lucky…
I’m giving away one free registration to a lucky commenter!

Yep, all you need to do is leave a comment below telling me what your wishBIG is for 2012….and you might be the lucky snowball that wins!”

I am not sure why this invitation attracted my attention. First of all, I don’t believe in wishes (fanciful time wasting says the sceptic in me). Secondly, I have come to believe that there are two types of people in this world – those that are born lucky and those that aren’t. I definitely fall in the latter category. As you can see there is lots of healthy left brain thinking going on here: wishing is a waste of time and is for dreamers, setting goals and taking action is what its all about, dreams can’t possibly come true so why waste time thinking about them … I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture.

Fortunately, I also have a right brain – my wonderful creative and spirited friend that said to me, “Really, is that what you honestly believe? Why don’t you wish? Where’s the harm in giving it go?”

I have a book, The WishingYear by Noelle Oxenhandler, sitting in the rather large book pile by my bed waiting to be read. This book has been there a while. It is in pristine condition – it has not been opened. A part of me thinks, “I bet her wishes come true and do I really want to know about it”. Another part of me thinks, “There might be something in this and maybe I need to explore this more – maybe I need to start wishing.”

Thanks to Connie, I started wishing yesterday. I began by wondering what my big wish for 2012 is. What I desire to happen for me above all else in the coming twelve months.

Here’s what I wrote …

Hi Connie

Thanks for this opportunity. You have an amazingly generous spirit.

Wishing is not something I do very often for myself but I do it very easily in relation to others.

I have convinced myself that wishes come true only for lucky people and I am not one of them. For me luck has never figured into anything, only hard work. It is exactly this thinking and it’s related actions that has led me to the point where I am writing this from bed as I am trying to recuperate from shingles. My body has said I’ve had enough – you will slow down – so in the last 7 days I have had plenty of time to think about what I want to change in my life as I have tried to deal with the endless pain caused by this virus inside my body.

My wishBig for 2012 is that I start honouring and believing in myself and accept that I am enough as I am. I always think I’m not good enough and that I have to prove myself to be worthy of anything and everything. As a result I push myself incredibly hard and take everything I do very, very seriously. I am always putting energy into needing to be more – to improve and develop myself to be the best I can be – and being there for everyone else. However I always forget that I need some of me as well.

I have allowed my day job to control my life. I want to change this situation. At the moment it is a means to an end. It is not my life’s work. It is not how I will be defined on my death bed. I do have dreams for a different future. I get panicked that time is running out and that I need to do it all now. I don’t. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will I be. This is a lifetime’s work and that is why I want to make very day count but not at any cost.

What I want is to love me as I do so unconditionally everyone else. I want to love all of me and make time to honor my physical, spiritual, creative, and intellectual needs. I want to bring balance, laughter and joy back into my life so I can start turning my dreams into reality.

I want to be that girl that allows herself to make a wish with a dandelion in her hand and imagine anything is possible. I want to believe and trust that wishes can come true for me too.

Love Marica

There are numerous other wishes lurking around inside me. They are begging for a voice if they are to have any power to become real.

What do you wish for yourself in 2012?

Manifesto
12. Every day love yourself.
17. Every day look through a new lens.
34. Every day focus on your dreams.

It all started out as a run of the mill eye test. A couple of years and it’s time for me to get my eye test sorted. It’s relatively painless, and although I had some vague concerns I didn’t have any real fears. It’s an eye test, I’ve had them before, what can go wrong?

Well, nothing wrong with the test part of the eye test. The story is not quite the same for my eyes, and a further test is required. Not quite the news I wanted to hear. I feel a bit frightened. Memo to body: what are you playing at?

My eyesight is such a vital part of my self identity – I was suddenly afraid about how I’d cope if my eyesight vanished. How would I earn a living? How could I learn the necessary skills to be able to even get a job? We’re all short on time – what are you going to do with what you have left?

If your eyesight were to fail suddenly – and it does for some people in accidents – what would be the last thing you’d want to see? A favourite scene? A loved one? A work of art? A velvet painting of Elvis? Does it really make any difference?

Is there really a longing, a loving, a gratitude for something until you’ve either lost it or about to lose it?

Either way, you get on with the day … but I’m still wondering about what you do with what you’ve got left.

Manifesto
20. Every day say thank you.
26. Every day take action. Every small step counts.
45. Every day you are a different person.

The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn, the bird waits in the egg, and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities. — James Allen

My dreams are coming true.

Dreams I didn’t even know I had.

I need to spend some time dreaming bigger. Not like those ‘hey you, loser – yes you – buy my book/course/dvd and you’ll be more’ self development infommercials. It’s more along the lines of not limiting my dreams to the kinds of things that I know can happen and start to think about some more interesting, more exciting (at least to me) options.

Even the oaks make these wildly vibrant lime green leaves in Spring. Talk about inspiring. They change them for other ideas later in the season. And then in autumn, some oaks go with vibrant reds, others work with tans. Beautiful. Thank you, oak.

Time for new ideas. More writing.

Manifesto
34. Every day focus on your dreams.
37. Every day fight for what’s worth fighting for. Pick your battles.
46. Every day you can change your thoughts.

Oh, Saturday morning. Isn’t today the big day? Big plans, plenty to do? Action packed places to go, people to see? After a very solid week’s work, 48 hours of me-time. So, get up and go! Go! Go!

Can I check back with you later after a cup of coffee or two?

Just kidding. It has been a most productive day. Perhaps one of the most productive in a long time.

Manifesto
19. Every day make time for yourself.
27. Every day pain is a sign of growing.
32. Every day have a laugh.

The second learning was an acceptance that not only could I not progress to the next step without assistance from other people, I really wanted to collaborate with others. Together we can do it. A bit of motherly advice there, thanks Mum.

We’ve been talking a lot about times of processing compared with times of action. The processing part has sometimes been rather frustrating, but the action part feels good. What’s starting to happen is, after what seems like the longest time waiting – getting ready to get ready – that some of my dreams are starting to roll down the runway, gathering a little momentum. This time last week? Gathering spider webs and dust bunnies. Today, a bit creaky, but moving. Progress, onwards and upwards.

Finally.

Exciting!

Manifesto
04. Every day is an opportunity to cultivate the promise of the future.
08. Every day choose to bring about change.
10. Every day connect with somebody.

I launch a mini blitz on the office. I like an organised work space. Some times I achieve an organised work space for minutes at a time. I don’t really relate to the culture of stark, sterile work spaces – I appreciate some people are like this, but I think a little bit of clutter lets in space for fragments of creativity to creep in around the edges. Infecting this kind of a culture seems like a good thing. I still try for a more organised space. It’s a work in progress.

Manifesto
04. Every day is an opportunity to cultivate the promise of the future.
16. Every day looking at the order of things gives you power.
22. Every day refine, clarify and simplify.

The south coast.

The sun arcs overhead. Waves rolling out like freshly floured pastry on the shore. The ancient traditions of worshipping on the sea shore. It’s the one place most people can find a space in the corners of their minds for themselves.

Each of us chases the waves in our own way.

Living life out, breathing life in.

It’s a prayer for ourselves, voiced in the infinite voice of angels.

That is the only way we know how to do it.

Manifesto
05. Every day is now. The present moment.
23. Every day retain your personal power. It belongs to you. No one else.
39. Every day trust that there is a bigger picture. You are a part of it even if you may not know what it is.

I wondered about drowning. Drowning is a most unpleasant experience. As a kid I misjudged my swimming abilities in a way that could’ve gone badly wrong. There was definitely more water in the Gonville pool than I could cope with. As an adult I know people not too far away from my desk who say that they are drowning in their work. I always feel uncomfortable when I hear people say that – the choking panic is a very clear memory to me.

But many of us do overload ourselves with work. We either take it on, or willingly allow ourselves to be pushed into ever deeper depths of workload. We want to do a good job, show off our capacities in front of friends and colleagues, and end up choking and gagging. There’s definitely more water in the work pool than you can cope with.

When I finally struggled to the surface, panicking, coughing out the burning chlorinated water, all I could think about was getting out of the water, and on to the sun baked concrete. I can remember flapping my right arm over the edge and feeling the reassuring burn of the concrete. I wanted to hang on to some sort hand grip – anything – but that concrete was the best there was, and at that moment it was the best thing ever. I managed to clamber out of the pool and I sat there feeling sorry for myself (and not a little stupid), taking stock and trying to stop shivering.

After the terror started to fade, I noticed the other people – kids mostly – shouting, giggling, splashing, and having a great time. The water in the pool was this gorgeous, sparkling blue. The sky – a perfect Summer day. The colours, sounds, sensations – everything was magic, beautiful. I’m drowning one moment, drinking in the beauty the next.

The reality is, the beauty was there, surrounding me, all the time. I just needed to almost lose it in order to see it, to experience the precious moment. If you’re drowning in your work, I urge you lift your head up about the surface and suck down some life-giving space into your lungs. Stick your head up like a meerkat, and look around. Look.

Precious moments.

How many do you think you’re going to have?

Manifesto
02. Every day is an opportunity for a new beginning.
05. Every day is now. The present moment.
19. Every day make time for yourself.

Oh, and the Big Banana? Check out the yellow sleeping bag outfit stage right. Perfect for dealing with the nippy Wellington breeze.

Manifesto
29. Every day eat, drink, rest, work, exercise, play, love, create for your own good. And the good of others.
30. Every day use all your senses. Touch. Smell. Taste. Hear. See.
32. Every day have a laugh.

I prefer to regard a dessert as I would imagine the perfect woman: subtle, a little bittersweet, not blowsy and extrovert. Delicately made up, not highly rouged. Holding back, not exposing everything and, of course, with a flavour that lasts. — Graham Kerr

There’s nothing better for me than something I can really get my teeth into. There’s probably a million things, issues, interests, blah-blah out there, every day, to attract my attention – advertising this, crisis that, cause the other. They’re overwhelming. As far as possible, I try to filter them, to ignore them. There’s just too much for me to give my full attention to – it’s kind of like an entire meal composed of dessert. It sounds great, but ultimately leaves me feeling unfulfilled.

This year I’ve been making a major effort to really pick my battles. It’s not easy for me, there’s a temptation to dig into almost any distracting thing that takes my attention. That’s not just my battle these days – traditional media fails because people just don’t have, or don’t take, the time to give full attention. It’s a high stakes battle for our minds.

If it’s that important I really should pay more attention. Except I’m just reminding myself to concentrate on the here and now, digging in to what’s right at my fingertips. Make a better photo. Write a better sentence. That’s enough for me.

Manifesto
06. Every day you make choices.
22. Every day refine, clarify and simplify.
35. Every day focus on what matters to you.