When Spring finally takes hold, this oak tree is likely to be covered in the vibrant lime green of new growth. Likely, but not a guarantee – trees have their own seasons measured with a subtlety beyond our rush-rush human measures. There’s a season for us all. Some things we give up to make the change, others we ease into and take more on board with. We’re all changing, all the time. It’s all happening. It’s just not always that obvious. Thankfully.

Manifesto
02. Every day is an opportunity for a new beginning.
25. Every day your light shines for others to see.
40. Every day give things a chance to work out.

As one year comes to an end and another begins I go through a process of looking back in the hope that it will help me to move forward. This annual ritual is not always a pleasant process as my family will tell you.

All too easily I become consumed with what didn’t happen and what I didn’t achieve. You know the routine – you start by looking at the list of goals you’d set the previous year, you go through them and discover the truth … I didn’t lose weight, I didn’t exercise enough, I didn’t blah, blah, blah …. on and on I go. Often I am not even aware this negativity has taken over although I do know the consequences of it only too well. I feel sad and worthless as a result. My dreams are discounted. My passions are ignored. My achievements are not even acknowledged, let alone celebrated. The thought of things being different seems impossible. What’s even worse I start to set similar goals for the year ahead because this year it is going to happen – only it doesn’t. I then start to look for all the faults within me that are to blame. And to think – I do this to myself. I choose to put myself through this angst and for what purpose?

Every year I try to change my response to this self-imposed yearly review and every year I return to this same place to a greater or lesser extent.

This year I am determined to change this pattern.

In retrospect it is true that 2010 was a year full of many challenges – my sister fighting endometrial cancer, my mother-in-law almost dying and her difficult rehabilitation process, my uncle in Croatia becoming ill and dying, my son’s ongoing health issues, Lynsey’s job being disestablished and uncertainty over my own job are a few examples of what I dealt with.

As I look back I realise my role was to love, to support, to listen, to physically help out where needed – basically to do whatever was required to help others and myself get through whatever presented itself – and I did it despite the numerous obstacles along the way that tried to trip me up. So even the difficult times were a gift because they helped me to focus on what really matters to me.

It is easy to look back in retrospect and say if only I had done such and such. The fact is we can’t go back. We all do the best we can in any given moment in time. The only thing we can change is what we do next once we realise what it is we would like to have changed.

At the same time 2010 was a year full of some amazing experiences and achievements for me – further developing my portrait photography skills by completing two courses and showing my work in two exhibitions,  being accepted for the Masters in Art Therapy programme at Whitecliffe College of Arts and Design, celebrating my mother’s eightieth birthday, being promoted at work, completing a number of online journalling workshops, going on a five week trip to the UK and Europe, forming new friendships both in-person and online, and creating all sorts of different art works whenever I had the opportunity.

As with every other year of my life what has been is now relegated to the archives of my being. The memories are there should I need to call them up – the good, the bad, the ugly.

None of this need to define the way forward unless I choose it to.

So what have I learned about me over this past year and what am I going to take with me and develop further as I go forward?

I learned that I am so much more than any one thing that I have or haven’t done. I am so grateful for the year that’s been because I have grown and changed as a direct result of all I experienced. As for the year ahead – bring it on I say. I am ready! I have behind me what I have already learnt. I have the ability to be creative and always challenge my thinking. I am ready to learn more this year about me, about life and about living. I am ready to be even better than I already am and that feels great.

Manifesto
02. Every day is an opportunity for a new beginning.
03. Every day is an opportunity to reflect on the past.
04. Every day is an opportunity to cultivate the promise of the future.

Live in simple faith . . .
      Just as this trusting cherry
Flowers, fades, and falls — Kobayashi Issa (1763-1828)

Winter seems thoroughly upon us today – rain and wind aplenty. I’m wrestling with migraines and the whole world seems to be roiling around in some kind of turbulence. This cherry leaf was almost throbbing with colour in the dull grey light and the contrasting greenery.

Ultimately, living in simple faith seems to make the most sense. Running around roaring like lions is fun for a while, but in the end there isn’t much development, much learning or growth. In the end the result is the same.

Manifesto
05. Every day is now. The present moment.
09. Every day learn something new.
13. Every day be better than you were the day before.

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.
– Thomas Szasz, “Personal Conduct,” The Second Sin, 1973

This past week I have been immersed in a creative process that has left me feeling different. It may sound trite to say I feel transformed yet in reality this is the best way I know of describing the experience I have been through.

As each day began and ended I had to deal with the self doubt within – the fear I couldn’t do the tasks set and the messages to myself that I wasn’t good enough. The emotional roller coaster I went through was interesting as the learning process pushed all my buttons – artistically, technically, psychologically, physically and emotionally. Tears were shed as self doubt took hold yet I was determined to deal to this inner critic once and for all.

And I did!

For our final photo shoot we were given the opportunity to do anything we wanted with the proviso that the photograph had to be of either someone else in the class or our self.

The thought of doing a self portrait really appealed. I have never taken a photo of myself before; in fact I normally try to avoid having photos taken of me. Far more importantly though was the desire to change my relationship with my self critic because all too often I allow it to overwhelm me and hold me back. The only problem was I had no idea how I was going to take a self portrait that would address this issue.

In my motel room, leaning against a mirror I began to experiment. I felt I was exposing myself in my photographs in a raw way and yet it felt the right thing to do. When I looked at the results on the computer the next day I was excited by what I had produced.

Creating these self portraits was the beginning of a new journey for me. I feel at long last like I’m headed in a direction that is true to my core being. It is as though the light has gone on and I’m allowing it to shine.

Being able to photograph people is such a priviledge and a huge responsibility. Getting to know oneself and creating oneself to be who we’re meant to be is also a big responsibility. Being authentic takes courage. This doesn’t always come easily or naturally.

I’ve seen the light as a result of this week’s experience. Now I have to get on and do what needs to be done.

Manifesto
06. Every day you make choices.
08. Every day choose to bring about change.
17. Every day look through a new lens.

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.
– Anais Nin

Our kitchen window overlooks a garden in which the previous owner had planted a large number of roses.  I have never been a great fan of roses but I have grown to love them after watching these plants grow on a day by day basis.

During the winter Lynsey gave the the rose plants a rigorous pruning so that all that remained was their brown stems poking out of the dirt. It always surprises me that the plant doesn’t die from the shock of it all. Instead the roses seem to thrive from this annual attack with the secateurs.

Very soon afterwards the buds began to burst out and I could see the green tips starting to emerge. As time passed the growth on these plants continued despite the freezing cold weather, the torrential rains and endless battering from gale force winds. These roses stood up to it all and kept on growing.

The most exciting part is seeing the rose bud form then burst forth to release the coloured petals. This particular red rose (in today’s photo) has fascinated me for weeks now as I have watched it reach full bloom. Whenever I am in the kitchen I stand there and look at it. I marvel at the many layers that have emerged as the rose has revealed itself to us.

As humans we too have many layers tucked away inside only we’re not as willing to unfold and expose them to all and sundry like this rose. I suppose in many ways we are more fortunate than the rose – we have some control over our growth, what we expose and when. We tend to guard our layers because they are a sacred part of who we are. We reveal parts of ourselves when we trust others, when we feel safe, when we think they will understand and not judge us.

Blooming, or being authentic, can be a scary experience. It takes courage and strength – you might even need to deal with numerous storms along the way. Sometimes it is easier to not go there – keeping our skills, talents, and emotions hidden seems somehow safer (even easier) because the people around us don’t know how to cope with what we might share as the ‘real’ you emerges for all to see – but does this make us happier? Being true to ourselves is never a straightforward path, it is one that unfolds in numerous ways throughout our lifetime. By living we are constantly changing – every day we are different. This is a process just like the growth and unfolding of a flower.

We can bloom more than once. As we grow throughout our lives we form new layers, we discard the ones that are no longer relevant, we keep some tightly tucked away and in some instances that is the best place for them – we can bloom over and over again. We have this choice.

Manifesto
08. Every day choose to bring about change.
43. Every day accept you will make mistakes. Learn from them. They are opportunities in disguise.
45. Every day you are a different person.

Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself.
– Zen Proverb

Today was the day. It was going to happen. I knew it as soon as I saw the sun shining through the curtains when I woke up.

“We’re going to get out into the garden today,” I said to Lynsey. “I’ll mow the lawns if you dig up the vege garden.” I thought this was a pretty fair allocation of tasks although this perception was soon to be shattered.

Lynsey agreed and it was all systems go.

We had been waiting for this opportunity to get outside and begin tending our rather large garden for a while now. I still haven’t planted my vege garden and this has been nagging at me. Mind you the weather has been so crazy I wasn’t sure anything would grow and neither Lynsey nor I are bad weather gardeners. Then again nothing will grow (that is nothing that we can eat) unless we take the time to plant something.

The first thing I needed to do before I got started on the lawns was to hang out the washing. As I walked towards the clothes line I was shocked by the sight before me. The lawn had grown to knee height. The blades of grass were interspersed with yellow flowers (I don’t know what they’re called – I always thought they were dandelions but Lynsey assures me they’re not and he is the botanical guru in our house) with bees buzzing around searching for nectar.

How did it get so long? Why did we let it get this long? I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was sure Lynsey had last mowed the lawns only two weeks ago. Since then it has been cold and miserable but we have had lots of rain. I was still surprised by the level of growth even under these than ideal supposedly  ‘spring’ conditions. It never ceases to amaze me the resilience and determination of plants to do what they need to do. Growth can happen under the most hostile conditions and not just in fertile ground.

As I stood there looking at the sight before me all I could think about was the task ahead of me. I realised it was going to take me a lot longer than I thought.

Mowing the lawns at our place is no mean feat under the best of circumstances. There are six lawns in total (there used to be seven but one has become our vege garden) that require our attention. Each of them is like a small plot of land and they are situated on six different levels so there is the additional task of carrying the lawnmower up and down steps (plus all the other paraphernalia like rakes, brooms, weed-eater etc.). We lovingly refer to our lawns as our paddy fields!

Lynsey had offered to mow the last lawn for me while I had a break and finished off a few other things. As I watched him mowing I could see how tired he was as he pulled the mower behind him. It looked to me like her was taking a dog for a walk instead of guiding a machine to do what it was designed to do.

So, despite the unseasonable weather, growth is happening even if it isn’t the kind of growth we hoped for. I can’t wait to plant my veges and watch them grow. This is the ultimate luxury – to be able to pick organically grown vegetables and fruit as and when you need them. It is definitely worth the effort. Let’s hope the sun shines again next weekend so some planting can happen.

Manifesto
02. Every day is an opportunity for a new beginning.
44. Every day remember how far you have come.
48. Every day there are things you can’t change. You can change the way you think about them and deal with them.