My body was under attack.

For starters there was the constant pain on my left side that started in my back and moved to my stomach. There was the weird feeling that something was crawling under my skin. The itchiness. The super sensitivity of my skin – if anything touched it I felt like I was being zapped by electricity. The tiredness only I couldn’t sleep – I couldn’t get comfortable. About three days later the first spots appeared. I had my suspicions. I hoped I wasn’t right only it turned out I was.

“You have shingles,” said the doctor.

I wanted to scream but I sat there silent. Until a few months ago I knew almost nothing about shingles and in many respects I wish it had stayed that way. My husband was also diagnosed with shingles back in December only his was on his face.

“Did I catch it from my husband?” I asked immediately. I had a need to blame someone.

“No, this is pure co-incidence. You can’t catch shingles from someone else that has it,” responded the doctor.

“Yeah right,” was my thought.

What did I do to allow this sleeping virus to wake-up and flourish in my body?

Fact one: anyone who has had chickenpox has the shingles virus lying dormant in their nerve roots waiting to be activated.

Fact two: the virus remains dormant forever in some people – they are the lucky ones!

Fact three: this virus wakes-up when disease, stress or ageing weakens the immune system. Bingo, two out of three for us. The last 12 months have been incredibly stressful. In many respects I’d be quite happy to file 2011 into a memory file that I don’t return to too often if at all. As for ageing – well, we’re both over 50 so sadly we’re on that downhill slope.

My husband keeps saying to me “shingles is your friend”.  This irritates me. He believes we both ended up with shingles because our bodies were sending us a message – a wake up call of sorts. Our bodies were trying to tell us that they’ve had enough and we need to look after them better – “You need me in good working order and I can’t do this alone. Take better care of me.”

Over the last 10 days my wonderful husband has looked after me above and beyond the call of duty in an attempt to help me on to the path of being well. This is his gift to me and I love him for it. I was down, and even though he still isn’t fully recovered himself, he was there alongside me.

This morning as Lynsey dropped me off as close as possible to the venue where I would be working today I noticed this poster on the outside of the Archives New Zealand building. I looked at it and thought, “That is what Lynsey has been doing- he has been carrying me.” I felt so incredibly blessed.

My husband carries me in so many ways. He loves me unconditionally. He believes in me and my abilities. He encourages me. He is there through the good times and the bad.

Thank you Lynsey for being the extraordinary man that you are. I love you so much.

xoM

 Manifesto
12. Every day love yourself.
21. Every day seek the support of others. You are not alone.
35. Every day focus on what matters to you.

Some days we wish time away so that the day will end quickly. We want to forget these days and all that happens during them. This is often easier said than done. More often than not we find ourselves replaying the events of such days as though they are a movie to be watched many times over. These days are usually the product of things that are beyond our control yet our responses are not.

Today was one of those days for me.

I woke in the wee hours of the morning with a headache and a sore throat. Actually it felt like I had a golf ball stuck in my throat. Despite taking painkillers I was feeling worse with each passing hour.

“Here we go again,” I thought. “Will I never learn?”

Every year I manage to gradually run myself into the ground so that when this time of year arrives I have no resistance left to deal to anything.

Despite sleeping most of the day I didn’t feel any better. I hate to admit it but I was feeling sorry for myself as I lay there.

It wasn’t until the phone rang late in the afternoon that I realised my problems were insignificant in the bigger scheme of things.

I heard the words spoken, “Marica, I’ve got cancer” and a familiar panic surged through my being.

“No, this can’t be happening,” I was silently screaming. Not again. First my son and now my sister.

On the other end of the phone my sister Diana was crying so much I couldn’t make out what she was saying apart from those dreaded words, “I have cancer”. I repeated them over and over silently. I remembered doing the same thing when I was told my son had leukaemia.

Why do days like today have to happen? There’s no logical reason, they just do. Every day someone hears bad news. Every day people fight to stay alive whilst elsewhere people kill in the name of some war or other.

Today I felt rusty, cracked and in desperate need of repair.  I really don’t know which way to turn either – nothing is more important than being there for the people you love and yet there are all those other competing demands pulling at us and requiring our attention.  Christmas is in a few days and I still have heaps to do to get ready. I’m meant to be at work sorting things out before everyone goes on holiday. I have a throat infection. I am completely exhausted. Yet no matter how broken I feel, like that wall, I am still here. I am still standing. I will heal as long as I give myself the respect I deserve. I’m no good to anyone if I don’t look after myself. Why is this so hard to do?

I need to summon all my energy to get well so I can be there for my sister. She is what matters now. Oh how I wished I could have just got on a plane and gone to be with her.

Thank goodness days like today don’t happen too often. My heart is heavy yet it is also bursting with love for the gifts that are still there even when life sucks. In many respects it was good that I was home sick in bed today so I could talk to my sister when she needed me. I was able to be fully present without other people listening in on our conversation. I was able to phone her back and talk more. I was able to be there and do whatever she needed from me. Some gifts are priceless.

Manifesto
39. Every day trust that there is a bigger picture. You are a part of it even if you may not know what it is.
48. Every day there are things you can’t change. You can change the way you think about them and deal with them.
50. Every day has an ending.