© 2014 Marica

Searching for muchness

MAD HATTER (accusing): “You’re not the same as you were before. You were much more … much more muchier … you’ve lost your muchness.”
ALICE: “My muchness?”
The Mad Hatter pokes Alice in the stomach with his finger.
MAD HATTER: “In there. Something’s missing.”
The Mad Hatter walks away again. Alice frowns, then runs after him.
– Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland

As this year comes to a close, which for me also signals the impending end of my all too brief summer holiday, I feel my “muchness” is being held hostage by the intensity of the “muchlessness” that has infiltrated my entire being over the last 12 months. There was no one thing that contributed to this transition – it was a slow insidious process that I allowed to happen. I am now searching for Marica’s muchness and when I find it I am holding on with all that I have.

Despite being away from my day job for 10 days now I am only just beginning to unwind, rejuvenate and reenergise my being. I feel like I have been in hibernation and I can’t stay in this state any longer – the call to action has begun. It is time to wake up and get going. I know I have to do this for myself but sometimes it is damn hard. I know the fire is within me. It is smouldering away waiting to be stoked into action. My muchness hasn’t deserted me, it is resting!

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved the volcanic plateau – the geothermal region of the island I live on. I love the starkness of the landscape and the richness of the colours. I love the smells and the sounds and the life that exists in what appears to be an inhospitable environment. There is a unique lushness and vitality about this landscape that is the core of the entire land of New Zealand. We are a part of the Pacific rim of fire after all. What you see before you doesn’t in any way indicate the power of what lies below the surface. This land possesses massive amounts of muchness although you would never know it by just looking – you need to see with your whole being to discover its potency and potential.

I am this landscape. I have so much bubbling away inside me and I am currently revealing very little of it. My challenge is to work out how to release this muchness without causing a volcanic eruption or a geyser gushing out vast quantities of boiling water and steam or a burning hot bubbling mud pool or an earthquake. These things are all natural parts of this landscape and are signs of the tremendous energy that lies within this magical land I call home.

As 2014 comes to an end I am grateful for all it has brought me and taught me. Each moment of every day is a gift even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. I am tired for a reason – it has been a big and busy year. I am determined my muchness will show its face soon – I so need it to, I have a Masters dissertation to finish writing for starters! Instead of beating myself up for the muchless state I am currently experiencing, I want to find the humbleness to celebrate and thank my body, my being, and everyone in my life for loving and supporting me while muchier Marica goes on a walkabout. I don’t need to search for her, I know she is there. I need to take the risk and release her. Watch out 2015 – the year of muchness awaits.

17. Every day look through a new lens.
21. Every day seek the support of others. You are not alone.
27. Every day pain is a sign of growing.

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